BLACKMAIL

So it's been a while since I've entered anything on our blog. Melissa has been doing a great job. She is such a wonderful girl! I married beyond my worth for sure. As partial payment for this I'm offering here a photo that I intend to produce when Jacob is a teenager and telling us how we don't care about him and blah blah blah.

I'll dramatically pull out this photo and tell him, "YOU'RE MOTHER HELD YOUR HAND WHILE YOU LEARNED TO USE THE POTTY!!!!"



While we're on the subject of potty training. I always find it weird that the moment Melissa leaves me alone with the kids some unforeseen evil force possesses my children's bodies and all chaos breaks out. Melissa went to Walmart to turn in some disposable cameras that she'd given Lyndsey and Noah. While she's away Jacob decides at that very moment that he's going to break from the routine of telling us he's about to go potty so that I can get his shorts down and just poops in his pants and starts to cry at the top of his lungs.

I jump into action trying to get his underwear off as quick as I can. During the struggle Jacob flips out even more and starts kicking his legs, getting fresh poop up and down his legs and on my arms and hands. I tell him to settle down which in his language must mean "put your hands all over you butt so that you can cover your hands in poop too." Makes sense right? I mean if I'm going to wipe a butt I'm probably going to want to do the legs, hands, arms as well as most of my arms and hands as well. So anyways, I gotta get Noah to hold one of his brother's legs so that I can make something on me clean enough to hold a wipe and clean him up.

Naturally this drives Jacob into an even greater frenzy and joy of joys, he starts puking all over the place. (I should mention here that several years ago Melissa and I discussed what we wanted in the future...she said kids I said a jeep. Guess who got their way.)

Anyways, back to our story. So I got poop covered underwear to the left, poop covered wipes to the right. So I decide to take him into the bathroom and give him a bath. Of course my oldest son has just taken a shower and apparently earlier in the day hiked the Lewis and Clark trail. I mean there was enough dirt in our tub that I could have started some plants from seed in the tub if I had wanted. So I sit my vomit/poop covered boy on the toilet seat and start spraying out the tub with the shower head.

All of a sudden a hair curling scream comes from my son who's sitting on the toilet behind me. HORROR OF HORRORS, he's just left a dimed size circle of pee on the seat in front of him.

Exasperated I tell him Jacob, it's just pee. EVERYBODY PEES EVERYBODY POOPS. LOOK WATCH DADDY. So with bathroom door open and bedroom window directly facing open bathroom I drop my pants and show him that daddy goes pee too.

In conclusion Mom's don't get the credit they deserve. I LOVE Melissa! She is so wonderful and takes care of so much. When I can afford it...she gets a raise.